Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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