Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
