I'm jealous of your bromance
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
