why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
