So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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