she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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