My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
