if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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