The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
