broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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