I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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