she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
