i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
