i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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