Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
