my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
