her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
