the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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