i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm just crazy horny about you
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
