I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
