I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
