She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
