My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize