i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
