i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
