My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
