Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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