i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
not ubering you a puppy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
