I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
