i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
