wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
