You work out of a Hotel?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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