I need help removing her.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
