Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
