i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
