I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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