new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
