I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
