I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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