just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
