I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
