honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize