I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
