my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
