how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize