If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I need moral support for this bender
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
