I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize