he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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