he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
3pm strippers are depressing
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize