Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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