***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Randomize
