i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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