Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
