I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
