drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
