You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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