I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize