he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
