We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
