dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Randomize
