There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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